Meat on bones: A confessional

She pushed the door closed behind me and then I was alone in the winter dark, standing on the cold cement slab of her front porch. We had just been together in the most intimate way two people can be, physically. And here I was, drained, the wind catching the sweat at the roots of my hair and where my body touched my clothes, dead on the inside.

When we were finished, the feeling was gone, and so was the connection between us. Nothing. Nothing in common besides what a few minutes ago had been bodies tangled, holding on to one another … holding each other down with aggression.

The wind was blowing cold, down from the mountains and across the prairie until it slammed into these neighborhoods on the outskirts of the city — on the outskirts of everything. I had never been to this town. I had driven out to meet her — for the sole purpose of putting our bodies together. And now it was just me in all this strangeness.

This was it, I told myself. I was going to quit this. Break the string of these meaningless connections. I didn’t, of course. There were more. But that night two years ago in the frozen January air was the first time I realized the path I was on was destruction.

This all began quite innocently. I began online dating with the intentions of meeting a real woman – one who I could find a connection with, who would make an excellent mother, who I could entrust my soul to. What I found – immediately – were women my age were as amped up for physical contact as you might imagine men to be. Sex was so easy, and I wasn’t the instigator. I was a willing recipient in this strange new world that was so different than the intimacy of married life.

I questioned it right from the start. But my friends and some of the people closest to me — men and women — encouraged me to “have fun.” I was the envy of some of the married men I knew who were surprised at the level of dissatisfaction I had with random hook ups. As long as I was “careful,” their advice was to enjoy it to its hilt.

That wasn’t me. And they had no idea what the “hilt” was. There wasn’t one — just more and more of the same.

In the midst of all the craziness, I wanted someone to come home to – someone who would shoot me straight, who I could care about, and yes, make love to. But the path, once you begin to walk it, is hard to turn off. You begin to believe all you’re worth is a few minutes of someone’s time, just for the physical and nothing more than that.

The string of meaningless connections led to a shift in expectations. I continued meeting women online and, soon, if a woman hadn’t slept with me by the second date, I wondered what was the matter. Had I done something wrong? Was I losing my appeal? Twisted, twisted logic.

Where do you turn when you’re lost like this and you need healing? When you’ve transformed into something that hurts other people, that no one you know would believe you’ve become? Where do you go then?

I went nowhere, at first. I shut things down. I retreated inside myself and focused my life on my kids. And then, it happened. In the middle of an ordinary work day last spring, while I was between tasks, I heard a voice inside me (more like a feeling) that told me I wasn’t fulfilling my life’s purpose and I could be something more. Somehow in that message, I knew it was talking about my children too. While we have always had wonderful relationships together, we weren’t walking a path toward anything meaningful. We were directionless.

I knew then I wanted to spend some time with God’s word, but I also knew all I had to read was a student bible (written in language intended to connect with high-schoolers), so on a whim I checked out a King Jame’s bible from the library and immersed myself in God’s word. And He went to work on me immediately.

As if His plan was unfurling specifically for me, a friend invited our family to church, and at the end of that first sermon, my daughter, Annie, was saved. That was a wake up call to me that if I was going to listen to God’s voice and be the true spiritual leader of my family, I needed to move immediately.

On May 8, 2014, I gave my life over to Jesus Christ during a quiet prayer at my kitchen table with a good friend I’d met while coaching my son’s baseball team. I still marvel at how the Lord works — how these people are dropped into our lives seemingly for no reason, at first. Only later do you recognize His intent.

Her texts — and ones from other women — still show up on my phone from time to time. “Hey,” they usually begin, a temptation to step back on the dark path. I know what will happen if I respond. I’ve seen where that path leads. Those ladies are like meat on bones to me now. Their bodies alive and beautiful, but their spirits cold and dead.

In Colossians 3:5, the apostle Paul writes, “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

Once God has spoken to you, you can never turn back.

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “Meat on bones: A confessional

  1. Heather Smith

    Kevin, thank you for being so honest, so real and sharing a small snippet of your journey. I felt like I was reading a book. I encourage you to keep diving into the gospel and share where it takes you with us. It gave me encouragement to do the same. Blessings, Heather Cruz Smith

    Reply
    1. Kevin Kuzma Post author

      Heather, thank you for your thoughts — and for being the first to comment on my blog. I sincerely appreciate the encouragement. I promise to keep sharing my journey. I try to make up for the talent I lack as a writer with honesty and emotion. I’m glad you liked what you read. I would love to know more about your journey should you choose to share that in your own blog … or just in conversation. Thanks again!

      Reply
  2. Shelly

    Kevin,
    I remember you being an incredible writer back in high school and it’s obvious that you continue to be. What a great, honest, transparent post. Thank you for offering a snippet of not just your walk with Christ (welcome to the family!) but of your heart as well.
    I look forward to reading more in the future!
    Shelly (Golden) Parker

    Reply
    1. Kevin Kuzma Post author

      Hi Shelly. Thank you so much for the compliment. I’ve always enjoyed writing. I look back on what I wrote in high school and wonder how anyone could have seen an ounce of talent in those words. Haha, but I remember feeling confident at that time that I could turn words into some sort of career. I plan to keep on writing with the same honesty. I feel like I have to give something of myself away in my work for it truly to connect with readers. I’m really glad you enjoyed it, and flattered that you left your thoughts here!

      Reply
  3. Shannon Aguilar

    Wow Kevin…I’m impressed. I think you are an excellent writer and I look forward to reading many more of your blogs. I’m glad someone has the courage to speak about some of the issues a lot of us deal with but don’t speak about. Keep it coming and GOD bless you.
    Shannon Aguilar

    Reply
    1. Kevin Kuzma Post author

      Thank you Shannon. Comments like yours gives me the motivation I need to keep writing. As you can imagine, it’s not easy to share some of these things, but as a writer you have to listen to what comes out — and I suppose it was time for me to own up to this behavior. I knew I could be living for so much more. God bless you too and best wishes!

      Reply
  4. Tynishia

    Kevin,

    I am once again, moved by your words. This time, the conviction and powerful transformation of your life leapt from the screen. It moved me – touched my heart. I know about the struggle of being single after married life. Times of lonliness are like bottomless pits of nothingness, but God is amazing in how he strategically pulls us out of those ruts just when we feel like we can’t possibly take it anymore. Love is waiting, but we just have to be patient…and listen to his voice guiding us each day. The obstacles are many, but the reward for staying the course will be far greater than any bad day we have ever seen. God IS Love, and he knows the desires of our hearts. He will NEVER fail us. Keep pushing Kev, I am running the race with you….We got this!

    PS – I am glad you started writing again, I look forward to reading your work in the future!

    Reply
    1. Kevin Kuzma Post author

      Hi Tynisha. Love is waiting? That’s really beautiful. I’ve sort of been feeling that in my world. Something working in me – waking up inside me. I know I’ve been feeling God’s love and following his voice. But this is somewhat separate from that … love is coming around in other aspects too. You could say I’ve had a complete turnaround this year in many areas of my life, which is what made me comfortable sharing the path that led me here.

      Your words about my work are too kind. I appreciate you encouraging me to write more. We’ll see where it goes. I know you can relate to the life I’ve been leading (in some respects) so I hope you keep finding something you can relate to in my work. Your faith sounds like it has been a foundation for you. Seriously, there’s nothing better in this world. I can see it’s going to guide you to happiness, if it hasn’t already done so. We’ve definitely got this!

      Reply
  5. Kimberley

    I am so proud of you for bringing this in to the LIGHT where the enemy can’t use anymore. God redeems and uses our testimony to touch so many – you are going to help so many my friend.

    Reply
  6. Bridget Johnson

    Kevin,
    I love that you can put into words the rawness of your life for us to share in. You have experienced what, I’m sure, a lot of single parents have experienced with online dating, and just dating in general in this day and age. I know I have been there and I’m not proud of it. Reading your blog has inspired me to quit thinking so little of myself and quit settling for less than I deserve from men. I know that God has always been here for me and forgiven me for the things I’ve done in my life, but numerous times along the way I tend to forget that He is still here for me. I know that God has a plan for me and I’m positive that I have taken the long road to get there with some of the things I’ve done in life, but I know that path is still there and I’m still walking it. You have helped me decide to reflect on my childhood when I had a much closer relationship with Jesus and get back to that personal relationship with Him. There are so many people in our lives who tell us what we should be doing and sometimes it just takes an old friend to write about his personal experience to get our butts moving in the right direction. Please continue to write as I throughly enjoy reading about you and your life! Take care old friend and thank you for sharing!
    ~Bridget

    Reply

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